For those of you who aren’t aware, today is Christmas. In the spirit of gift giving, I have gone over each team in the NFL and given them the one present they need more than anything else. This present could be a player, a coach, or something significantly less tangible. I don’t do this because I want attention, or because I’m just trying to kill time sitting around home during Winter Break. I don’t do this to see the smiles on the faces of football fans everywhere as they receive these gifts. I do this to see those smiles vanish when I reveal that this is all fake and I don’t actually have the power to give gifts to football teams (yet). I do this because I want you all to bask in the wonderful vision of what life could be before coming crashing back to cruel reality.
Merry Christmas.
The first four teams I cover will all be receiving a quarterback. Plenty of teams need help at the quarterback position, but these four could be playoff contenders if they just had a reliable option under center.
Minnesota Vikings: Quarterback
I’ve already written about the
Vikings and their quarterback situation at length here. Suffice to say, they
could be a good team if they had one. Christian Ponder is gone after this
season, and it remains to be seen if Josh Freeman or Matt Cassel will be back.
They will likely bring in a new coaching staff as well, and new staffs often
like to choose a quarterback to be “their guy.” It’s hard to say who will be
starting for them next season and even harder to know if it will be an
improvement.
Tennessee Titans: Quarterback
The Titans aren’t a team to get
too excited about, but they have some promise. Their defense was atrocious in 2012, but Jurrell Casey and Alterraun Verner have developed into legitimate
stars this season. On offense they have the potential for a strong offensive line
and the beginnings of a very good receiver corps in Justin Hunter and Kendall
Wright. But still, they face a problem in Jake Locker. He has suffered a number
of injuries over the course of his short career, but right now that’s working
to his favor. When he’s been healthy he hasn’t been any better than Christian
Ponder, who the Vikings have already given up on. Now the Titans are facing the
question of whether they’ve seen enough of Locker to be sold on his mediocrity.
Preliminary indications are that they probably have. There are rumors that they
will cut Chris Johnson to clear up cap space in order to make a move for Jay Cutler when
he becomes a free agent at the end of the season.
Houston Texans: Quarterback
This team is not as bad as their
record indicates. They’ve changed very little from the team that won a playoff
game last season. Some of their players have been injured, but most of their issues
this season have been the result of a team that has simply given up. When Matt
Schaub had that insane, illogical string of games with an interception returned
for a touchdown, the fans and the players all understood that his time in Houston was coming to an
end. So they did as their division rivals in Indianapolis did two seasons ago. They
bottomed out, and now they will be in position to draft the best quarterback
available. They will certainly return to the playoffs sometime in the next two
seasons.
Cleveland Browns: Quarterback
This team could be very
intimidating if they obtain a quarterback. Their defense is already one of the
best units in the league, and it will only get better as players like Joe
Haden, Phil Taylor, and Barkevious Mingo develop. On offense they have two
legitimate receiving options in Josh Gordan and Jordan Cameron. They still
can’t run the ball worth a damn, but their passing game will be good enough to
give them a successful offense. Assuming they lose this weekend to the Steelers
they will end up with a top five selection. If they need to they can use the
additional first round pick they acquired from Indianapolis to move up and take the
quarterback of their choice.
Carolina Panthers: Wide Receiver Corps
Cam Newton is a very good
quarterback. The Panthers have an incredible defense. They have several reliable
options at running back. Their offensive line is solid. And their receiving
corps is…Steve Smith. I can’t really think of any other words to describe it.
And now that Smith is hampered by a knee injury, who the hell is Newton supposed to throw
to? The NFL’s first ever fat running back Mike Tolbert? Former rapper G-Reg (I
swear I did not make this up) Olsen? What wouldn’t the Panthers give for a
young, talented wide receiver?
What’s really sad is that they
had a chance at one. Early in the season, before he exploded into the second
best receiver in the league, the Browns were desperately trying to trade Josh
Gordon due to character concerns and a desire to tank. They were reportedly
asking for a second round pick in exchange. How did Carolina not do that? How did anyone not do
that? How is Josh Gordon still on the Browns when they would have given him up
for a measly second round pick?
You know what? Screw what I said
above. The Browns already got their present this year.
Detroit Lions: Time Machine
Let’s go back six weeks. The
Lions had just defeated the Bears to move themselves to 6-3. The Bears fell to
5-4 and gave the Lions the tiebreaker. The Packers were 5-4 as well and looked
to be without Aaron Rodgers for at least two more weeks. The Lions were set up
in prime position to win their first division title since 1993.
And they choked. The Lions have
lost five of their past six games, and with a week to go they are
mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. Jim Schwartz will lose his
job next week, and there are already people throwing around the “bust” label
when discussing Matthew Stafford. What the Lions need is a time machine, a way
to go back six weeks and start over, to put their season right.
Or, alternatively, they could go
back farther and not hire Matt Millen. Or they could kill Hitler. The choices
are endless. This is actually a pretty awesome gift.
Cincinnati Bengals: A Bunch of Stupid Owners
The Bengals have built an
impressive team over the past few years. They’ve managed to hold together an
elite defense despite injuries to two of their best players, and they have
surrounded Andy Dalton with an impressive array of talent on offense. Dalton probably isn't good enough for them to win a title this year, but there
are plenty of reasons for high hopes in the years to come.
This Christmas I am going to give
them even more reason to hope. Right now they have one of the best coordinator
duos in the league in Mike Zimmer and Jay Gruden. Gruden has been around since
2011 when they drafted AJ Green and Dalton
with their first two picks, and Zimmer has been their defensive coordinator
since 2008. Yet somehow neither of them has managed to get a head coaching job.
It’s perplexing, but it’s also the gift I’m giving the Bengals this year. By
next week there will be at least a half dozen teams searching for a head coach,
and I’ll see to it that all six are stupid enough to overlook these excellent
candidates.
Kansas City Chiefs: Dwayne Bowe
Kansas City’s offense is
Jamaal Charles. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Charles is a fantastic
player and should be in the top five for MVP runner up consideration. But if
Charles gets hurt, or if some defense figures out how to take him away, it
would be catastrophic for Kansas City’s hopes. This is why I’m giving them a
top quality receiver in Dwayne Bowe.
For those of you who have
forgotten, Bowe actually still plays for the Chiefs. He’s stuck in the worst
season of his career and has contributed very little to their offense. He’s
taken a great deal of heat for this, but it isn’t entirely his fault. Alex
Smith is a safe, reliable option at quarterback, but he has a habit of
neutralizing top wide receivers. No one realized just how good Michael Crabtree
was until Colin Kaepernick took over in San
Francisco. He’s gotten them this far, but the Chiefs
won’t be able to rely on checkdowns and crossing routes forever. Sooner or
later they are going to have to find a way to develop a down the field passing
attack.
Green Bay Packers: Quarterback Who Isn’t a
Pussy Functional Collarbone
Sorry, I had to. Anyway, Green Bay has been a
completely different team since Aaron Rodgers went down. The combination of
Wallace, Flynn, and Tolzien (or as I saw Bill Barnwell at Grantland refer to it, the WTF
Era) has been just suitable enough to keep the Packers alive thanks to Detroit’s cataclysmic
collapse. Even without Rodgers, they have hope of beating the Bears next
weekend and winning the NFC North. But to have any chance of advancing deep
into the playoffs, they need their quarterback. I was initially going to keep
it cheap and give them a stick of glue, but after extensive medical research I concluded
that wasn’t practical. So instead I decided to splurge and give the Packers an
actual, intact human collarbone. Don’t ask me where I got it, but don’t expect
to see that guy with the Cheesehead appear in anymore State Farm Commercials.
Denver Broncos: A New ACL
The Broncos are probably the only
team in the league that would be disappointed this season with anything less
than a Super Bowl victory. Unlike Seattle, San Francisco, Cincinnati,
and Carolina,
their window of opportunity is very tight. If they don’t win this year, they
may only have one or two more seasons. Unfortunately, Von Miller just went down with a torn ACL. I’ve already covered what he means to their defense, and losing him will put them in a major hole during the
playoffs. The loss now is worse than earlier in the season, as they are missing
two of their top defensive linemen in Derek Wolfe and Kevin Vickerson. They can
still win any game on the strength of their offense, but if that offense
falters they will likely lose.
Seattle Seahawks: Drug Test Exemption
In order to figure out what
Seattle needs, let’s look at what they already have: a young franchise
quarterback on an absurdly small contract, a quality offensive line to protect
him, a great running back, dominant special teams, a strong rotation of pass
rushers, the best secondary in the NFL, a stadium designed to reflect noise
back towards the field, and a state that’s legalized marijuana for recreational
use. You know what? Screw Seattle.
Why do they deserve a present? They already have everything.
But this is America, a
nation seemingly built on the principle that the rich can only get richer. So
for this Christmas, I will give Seattle
one year without having to worry about any league tests for performance
enhancing drugs. No more having to claim all your players are on Adderall to
avoid admitting they were suspended for steroids. No more having to roll your
fourth cornerback onto the field because two of your top three are suspended. No
more agents making nonsensical threats to sue the league without any reasonable
grounds. Congratulations, Seattle.
You now have everything.
Baltimore Ravens: A New Contract for Joe Flacco
You would almost feel bad for the
Ravens, if they weren’t the defending Super Bowl Champions. All last year they
played the waiting game with Joe Flacco, knowing he was in the last year of his
contract yet unwilling to give too high an offer to a quarterback who had been
inconsistent throughout his career. Unfortunately (not that I think they’ll
complain) Flacco ended last year on an absurd playoff run in which he threw 11
touchdowns and no interceptions and led the team to a Super Bowl victory. This
earned him a $120 million contract, far more than he is worth. They had no
choice in the deal, and now they have hamstrung themselves for the next five
seasons. This year for Christmas, all they could really want is a clean slate.
If they had been able to wait and renegotiate after this season, they would
likely have saved a huge sum of money on the contract.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Healthy offensive line
The Steelers’ offensive line has
been dreadful the past few years, but it’s not as if they are lacking for
talent. Maurkice Pouncey has made multiple Pro Bowls, and David Decastro has
established himself as one of the best guards in the league this season. They
have a pair of high selections in Mike Adams and Marcus Gilbert who have shown
flashes since they’ve come into the league. The only problem is that they
cannot stay healthy. Over the past three seasons the Steelers have started 24
different offensive line combinations, mostly due to an absurd string of
injuries. Since their line has stabilized this season, they have allowed only
six sacks in their last six games. This is a very young and very talented
group, and if they can stay healthy and build some cohesion they have the
potential to be the strength of the offense going forward.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Exorcism
A few weeks ago I would have put Tampa Bay
in the quarterback category. This is a very talented team who could push for
playoff contention over the next couple years even without a competent
quarterback. Adding an elite talent could make them a Super Bowl contender. But
Mike Glennon has looked solid over the second half of the season, and I don’t
think any Buccaneers fans would be upset if they went into next season with him
as their starter.
A much more pressing concern is
with the human embodiment of Satan that walks in their midst. Greg Schiano is
evil incarnate, a man without a single redeeming quality. He has the
personality of Bill Belichick with the coaching abilities of Romeo Crennel. He
sees nothing wrong with denying player time toward his pension because of an
infection suffered at the team’s facilities. He takes issue with his players
helping an opponent off the ground after a play. He banned former Super Bowl
MVP Dexter Jackson from bringing kids to Buccaneers practice as part of
charity. He motivates his players by threatening their families if they don’t
play their hardest. Okay, I made that last one up, but that doesn’t mean it’s not
true. A devil walks through the halls of the Buccaneers’ facilities, and it is
time for that demon to be exorcised.
Miami Dolphins: An Offensive Line
The Dolphins have nine offensive linemen listed on their roster, but I see no evidence of them when watching their offense. Through fifteen games Ryan Tannehill
has been sacked 58 times, good for tenth most in a single season in NFL
history. Joe Flacco is second in the league having been sacked 46 times. When
Tannehill has managed to remain upright, he has actually shown flashes of being
a promising quarterback. Maybe once he has an offensive line to protect him and
give him a running game, he can develop as one would expect of a quarterback
taken in the top ten of the draft.
New Orleans Saints: Home Field Advantage
Much has been made of Seattle’s home field advantage this year, but you could
make a strong case that home field is even more important to New Orleans. Seattle is a great team regardless of where
they play. New Orleans
is a dominant team at home but merely average on the road. At home they average
nearly 33 points per game. On the road the most they have scored this season is
27. They have already missed out on the chance to have home field advantage
throughout the playoffs, but if they win and the Panthers lose they will clinch
the two seed. If Seattle then loses in the
divisional round, New Orleans
won’t have to step outside the Superdome on their way to the Super Bowl. And
who knows, if the weather is looking bad in New Jersey
maybe they can convince the NFL to move the Super Bowl to New Orleans. I’m sure nothing could go wrong in the Superdome for the big game.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Three year coma
There is nothing to like about
this team. Their best player is Maurice Jones Drew, and he has hit that wall
most running backs meet late in their career. Their most promising young player is
Justin Blackmon, and he can’t stay sober long enough to see the field. Their
first round pick from last season was unimpressive before going on injured
reserve, and their first round pick from 2011 was Blaine Gabbert. Even if they
grab a young quarterback in this year’s draft there is no reason to believe
they have the talent around him to turn things around.
This is a gift meant for the fans
rather than the team itself. I’m going to put every Jaguars fan into a coma and
awaken them three years from today. It will be neat, quick, and utterly
painless. There won’t even be a noticeable drop in attendance at their games.
They will wake up having no recollection of three miserable seasons, but they
will find a team loaded with talent and primed for a lengthy run of success.
Or they may still be terrible.
There’s no reason to have faith that this team will improve.
Oakland Raiders: 49ers Tickets
The Raiders roster is every bit
as bad as the Jaguars. Of their first round picks in the past ten seasons, the
best is probably Darren McFadden. Al Davis deserves every bit of respect we
could give to him for what he accomplished over the course of his career, but
by the end of his life he was doing more harm than good. This team is also
looking at a lengthy rebuild.
But unlike Jaguars fans, the
Raiders have an easier solution than spending three years in a coma. All they
have to do is hop on a train and ride it across the bay to San Francisco, where the 49ers have built one
of the best teams in the league. They don't even have to wait until next season. The 49ers will continue their season
into January, a month most Raiders fans have only vague memories of.
San Francisco 49ers: Rams Victory Over the Seahawks
With one week remaining in the
season, no NFC division has been clinched yet. Half the teams still remain
alive for a division title, and of them I don’t think there is any team that
needs it more than the 49ers. Some like the Eagles, Cowboys, Packers, and Bears
need to win the division just to make the playoffs, but these teams have slim
hopes of winning a championship even if they do make the postseason. The 49ers
are in the playoffs no matter what, but I can’t see them making the Super Bowl
unless they have home field advantage. One way or another they will have to go
into Seattle, a
place where they’ve been outscored 71-16 over the past two seasons. To win the
division they need to beat the Cardinals, but they also need the Rams to knock
off the Seahawks. My gift to them is the ability to control their own destiny.
Buffalo Bills: Victory in New England
The Bills have the longest
current playoff drought of any NFL team. The last time they made the playoffs,
Wade Phillips was their coach and they lost infamously on the Music City
Miracle. I am tempted to end their suffering, but it would be unfair to put
this team into the playoffs (only mildly more unfair than putting a 9-7 team in
over the Cardinals, but I’ll deal with that later.) Instead I am going to give
them something almost as rare as a Bills playoff berth: a Bills victory in New England.
New England Patriots: Stickum
The Patriots are second in the league this season in dropped passes. They've cycled through Julian Edelman, a pair of rookies, a Gronk, an injury prone slot receiver, and a Hoomanawanui as their receiving options. Fortunately these inconsistencies have taken criticism away from what has been a less than stellar season by Tom Brady. But they certainly haven't helped the passing game either. The Patriots continue to win despite these problems and despite an overwhelming number of injuries, but it's hard to see how they can succeed on offense going forward. The Stickum should at least help their receivers hang onto balls. It's against the rules of the NFL, but that's never bothered Bill Belichick before.
Washington Redskins: New Owner
Over the past ten years we have
witnessed an extraordinary race between Dallas, Oakland, and Washington
for the worst owner in the league. And at long last, it appears that Daniel
Snyder has emerged victorious. He’s turned a promising season into a carnival,
and it’s only going to get worse once he fires Mike Shanahan and kicks off a
series of lawsuits. Unfortunately for the Redskins, a bad owner isn’t as easily
dealt with as a bad player or a bad coach. There is no way to fire the owner,
no way to get rid of him unless he dies or sells the team. Fortunately, Santa
Claus is not bound by the rules of the NFL. So long, Daniel Snyder. I don’t
know who I’ll replace you with, but it doesn’t really matter.
Dallas Cowboys: Restraining Order
I said above that Daniel Snyder
has clinched the title of worst owner, but Jerry Jones isn’t about to give it
up without a fight. There is a reason the Cowboys have gone from one of the
league’s premier franchises to an absolute joke, and that reason is Jerry
Jones. He has chosen to make himself the face of the team, naming himself GM
despite knowing almost nothing about football. He addresses the media more than
any other owner, and he even put out a rap video.
But I’m going to hesitate before
giving the Cowboys a new owner. After all, Jones did manage a team that won
three Super Bowls in a four year span. They can be successful with him as the
owner, just as long as he stays in the background like he did when Jimmy
Johnson was the coach. Instead I’m giving the franchise a restraining order
against their owner. He will not be allowed to make any personnel decisions
beyond naming a new GM and a head coach. He will not be allowed to discuss the
team with the media. He will still be allowed to attend games, but the
television networks will only be allowed to show him three times each game.
San Diego Chargers: Defense
If I had a vote to give for coach
of the year, it would go to Mike McCoy. An offensive guy, McCoy was brought in
to revitalize an offense that had become listless under the guidance of Norv
Turner. McCoy has succeeded in every way imaginable. Philip Rivers was a
disaster the past couple of seasons, and this year he’s been one of the five
best quarterbacks in the league. Danny Woodhead has been a fantastic addition,
and Keenan Allen will likely be the Offensive Rookie of the Year.
Unfortunately, McCoy hasn’t been able to do anything for the defense. Due to
injuries they haven’t had any hint of a pass rush this season. Only the Jets
and the Texans have fewer takeaways. They’ve managed to limit the damage as
much as possible and make a run towards the playoffs, but this could be a great
team if they had a capable defense.
Indianapolis Colts: Quality Opponents
This season the Colts have beaten
the Broncos, Chiefs, Seahawks, and 49ers and have lost to the Dolphins,
Chargers, and Rams. Their other victories have included single score triumphs
over the Raiders, Titans, and Texans. This is a team that plays to the quality
of their competition. In order to be successful they need to face the best
competition available. Fortunately, this is an instance where I don’t have
to do a lot of work. They’re already in the playoffs and will only have to face
tough competition on their way to the Super Bowl. They do have to be careful
though. If they win this week and the Bengals lose, they will end up moving up
to the third seed where they’ll have to play one of the Dolphins, Ravens, Chargers, or
Steelers.
Chicago Bears: Tackling Skills & Drills
The Bears’ run defense is probably
some sort of performance art. In their past ten games only Cleveland has failed to reach a hundred yards
rushing against them. They ended up with 93. The Bears are allowing 5.4 yards
per rush. Since 2002 only seven teams have allowed more than five yards per
rush over the course of the season, none higher than 5.3. While the most
important thing is to get healthy, it can’t hurt to brush up on the
fundamentals. Specifically, they should try tackling the player with the ball. That's a good place to start.
Philadelphia Eagles: Sustainability
Here we have a team that burst
onto the scene early in the year with an innovative and explosive offense.
There were a few down weeks after that, but in the second half their defense
came together and carried them into a do or die matchup against the Cowboys in
Week 17 with the NFC East title on the line. They are led by a young
quarterback who has succeeded in a unique but simple offense by avoiding
turnovers at an unsustainable rate.
Did it sound like I just
described the 2013 Philadelphia Eagles? Well I did, but I also described the
2012 Washington Redskins. The similarities between these two teams are
striking, and the Eagles have to hope that the similarities will end when the
regular season does. Because we all know what happened to the Redskins this
season. RGIII got injured, opposing teams made adjustments to their schemes,
their defense regressed, and they were not able to avoid turnovers in the same
way they did last year. Hopefully the Eagles won’t have to deal with the same
injuries and toxic situation as the Redskins, but everything else could happen
in the same way next year. Foles could start throwing interceptions, their
defense could fall to pieces, and opposing coaches might figure out a way to
slow down their option attack. They have to hope that their success is more
sustainable than their division rival’s.
Arizona Cardinals: A Move to the AFC
The Arizona Cardinals are
currently 10-5. They’ve won seven of their last eight, including a blowout
victory over the Colts and a win in Seattle.
Right now you could make the claim they are playing as well as anyone in the
league. Yet even if they win next week and finish 11-5, they would need the
Saints to lose at home to the Buccaneers in order to make the playoffs. Not
going to happen.
So this year I’m going to give
them the best gift any fringe NFC playoff team could hope for: a move to the
AFC. Four teams are currently competing for the last Wild Card spot in the AFC,
all with records of either 8-7 or 7-8. Even if the Cardinals lose this weekend,
they will still wind up with a better record than any of these teams. So
congratulations to the Arizona Cardinals, one of the 2013 AFC Wild Card Teams.
New York Jets: Move to Wyoming
The Jets are a decent team with a
promising future. Between Sheldon Richardson and Muhammad Wilkerson they have
the foundation for a dominant defensive line, and Dee Milliner hopefully won’t
be as terrible in the future as he was this year. The picture is a bit grimmer
on offense, but with a good draft this year they may be able to build around
Geno Smith. What they don’t need is the attention that comes with being in New York City (New
Jersey.) They need a couple years to just lay low, stay
out of the media, and let their team develop. They don’t need every mistake to
be turned into a national controversy. They don’t need coaches followed
by paparazzi. Wyoming
would be the perfect place for them to stay out of sight until after they’ve
weathered the rough years. Beautiful scenery too.
St Louis Rams: A Top Three Pick
The Rams are building something
extremely exciting. They have top notch talent at every level of their defense
highlighted by Robert Quinn, potentially the league’s Defensive Player of the
Year. Zach Stacy has been a surprise contributor on their offense, and once
they fire Brian Schottenheimer they will hire an offensive coordinator capable
of getting the ball to Tavon Austin. All they really need is one more elite
talent, a chance to pick in the top three of the draft this season.
Well congratulations to the Rams!
I don’t even have to give them a gift, because the Washington Redskins already
have. Thanks to the trade that led to the pick of Robert Griffin III, the Rams
control the Redskins’ pick this season. Currently that selection is number two
overall, but it could rise as high as number one or fall all the way to number
three. With that pick the Rams will have so many choices—a trade, an offensive
lineman, another pass rusher. They could even take a quarterback and cut Sam
Bradford loose, saving ten million dollars off their cap in the process.
Atlanta Falcons: Another Year of Tony Gonzalez
This is actually a pretty selfish
gift. All football fans should want to see Tony Gonzalez come back for another
year, or another five years. He is the greatest tight end in NFL history
without much competition. He is second all time in receptions, not just among
tight ends but among all players. Even now he is still a dominant force on the
football field, and I don’t doubt he could continue to play as long as he
desired. He came back this season because he wanted to be part of a team
pushing for the Super Bowl, but the Falcons were derailed by injuries. He
deserves one more chance to make the run. The NFL deserves one more year of
Tony Gonzalez. And I guess it would be pretty good for the Falcons too.
New York Giants: Educational Picture Book
This is a gift specifically for
Eli Manning, but also a gift for all Giants fans. It is an educational picture
book that I hope will clear up some of the issues he’s had this season.
Featuring such helpful images as:
Merry Christmas, Eli Manning. And Merry Christmas to the entire NFL.
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