Playoff Committee

This past weekend the college football regular season came to a close with the thrilling announcement of the four teams who have earned berths in the first College Football Playoff. This was a contentious decision, made by a committee shrouded in secrecy with very little justification. A lot of people came away angry, but it certainly spurred discussion of the sport.

For that reason, I think it’s fair to call the new playoff system an overwhelming success. In fact, I think we should try to apply it to the NFL as well. Who needs twelve teams to make the postseason when you can just choose four based on arbitrary rules? Since we’ve all agreed that this is the best system, I have declared myself as the Committee responsible for choosing these teams. I’ve selected a pool of teams from the top of the league to make their case to me, and because I don’t want this to be confusing or off-putting I have recorded the full details of how I came to the decision for the final four teams.

COMMITTEE: Okay, there’s no reason this should be that difficult. Everyone will get their turn to present their case, and then we can come to a nice, rational decision. Let’s be orderly and civil, and I’m sure we can crown the best team at the end of the year. Now let’s see, who should go first?

New England: Let’s get us out of the way. We’re tied for the best record in the league, and we have quality wins over Denver, Indianapolis, and Detroit. Even against Green Bay, in Lambeau Field, we had a chance to win the game in the final minutes. Our early season struggles are far behind us, and most people agree that we’re among the best teams in the league.

COMMITTEE: Well that’s a very good case. I don’t think anyone can disagree with you on this one. You’re in. Moving on—

Green Bay: Might as well get us out of the way too, considering we just beat New England. We have ten wins too, and we have the front runner for MVP in Aaron Rodgers.

COMMITTEE: Another strong case. Green Bay is our second team. This really is easy.

Baltimore: Hold on, I don’t think you should be making decisions until you’ve heard everyone’s case.

COMMITTEE: I think those were both straightforward enough.

San Diego: Well that’s the problem. You’re making this too easy. There are a lot of variables that need to be considered.

New England: Guys, Green Bay and us are the two best teams in the league. Maybe throw in Denver. Boom, we’ve got three.

Denver: I agree.

COMMITTEE: Now hold on, maybe they have a point. Denver, why should you be in?

Denver: We are also 10-3, and we also have one of the best quarterbacks in the league. Our defense has a reasonable argument as the best in the NFL, and our point differential is currently fifth best in the league. We’ve done all of this against a top ten schedule. Our three losses have come on the road against quality teams—

Philadelphia: Bro, you lost to the Rams.

Denver: The Rams are a good team. They’ve been playing really well lately.

San Diego: Good teams beat the Rams.

Denver: Oh shut the hell up. The only reason you won is because Shaun Hill threw the ball right at you.

COMMITTEE: Can we please keep this cordial?

Denver: I can’t believe we’re even having this discussion. We’re one of the four best teams in the league. Case closed.

COMMITTEE: You make fair points, and they’ll be considered. But I agree that I was a bit premature in giving away playoff spots. I’m opening all four spots again.

New England: Bullshit!

Green Bay: You promised!

Denver: Relax, guys. We’ll still get in. It’s just politics. Have to appease the little people.

San Diego: Little people? You trying to start a fight?

Denver: Bring it on.

COMMITTEE: Stop this! Stop this everyone! This is just football. Crowning a champion should be fun!

San Diego: You always pick Denver over us. Just because they never have trouble filling up their stadium.

Cincinnati: At least you get to move to Los Angeles sometime soon. Some of us are stuck in the middle of nowhere forever.

Cleveland: (quiet sobbing)

COMMITTEE: Okay, we’ve gotten a bit off track. San Diego, since you’ve been so vocal maybe you would like to be the next to present your case.

San Diego: Gladly. At times this year we’ve looked like one of the best teams in the league. We’ve had a few stumbles—

Miami: 37-0.

San Diego: Excuse me, I was trying to say—

Miami: 37-0.

San Diego: Come on! No one is putting you in the playoff. What are you even doing here?

Miami: 37-0.

San Diego: Can someone make them stop?

Denver: They raise a good point.

San Diego: DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!!!!!

COMMITTEE: Enough. You’ve made your case, and we’ll consider the evidence. Sticking in the AFC, let’s go to Indianapolis. What do you have to say for your team?

Indianapolis: We have Andrew Luck.

COMMITTEE: And?

Indianapolis: Andrew Luck is very good.

COMMITTEE: And?

Indianapolis: We have him.

COMMITTEE: Okay…we’ll keep that in mind. Let’s steer clear of the AFC North right now, seeing as it’s a bit of a mess. Might be easier to come back to it later.

Cincinnati: What mess? We’re in first place.

Pittsburgh: Yeah, does anyone think that will actually last? Every time you play a halfway decent team you get blown out of the water. 26 point loss to the Patriots, 27 point loss to the Colts, 21 point loss to us. Hell, you even lost by 21 to Cleveland. The Browns should be in over you.

Cleveland: (quiet sobbing)

Baltimore: I agree. It’s clear who the best team in the AFC North is. Right now we’re third in the league in point differential. Do you know where the Bengals are? Nineteenth. They’ve actually allowed more points than they’ve scored. Every loss we have is to a quality opponent.

Pittsburgh: Yeah, but you haven’t beaten anyone worthwhile either.

Baltimore: You lost to the Jets. And the Buccaneers. Why are you even here?

Pittsburgh: We’ve slipped up a few times, but if you actually sit down and watch us play you’ll see one of the best teams in the league. We demolished the Colts, we demolished the Ravens, we demolished the Bengals. When we’re clicking on offense, no one can stop us. You don’t want some team like Baltimore in the playoffs that’s just going to go out there and roll over in the first game. You want someone with an actual chance to win it! Someone like us.

Cincinnati: Please, you’ll just choke again like you did against Tim Tebow.

Pittsburgh: So now you want to talk about choking in the playoffs? How has the season ended for you the past three years?

Cincinnati: At least we’ve made it to the playoffs. That’s a hell of an accomplishment.

Cleveland: (quiet sobbing)

COMMITTEE: I think we’ve heard enough. There are a lot of great arguments here, but right now I look at the AFC and I see two teams that are just better than the others. So I’m going to give two spots to Denver and New England.

San Diego: This thing was rigged from the start.

Indianapolis: But we have Andrew Luck!

Baltimore: Why can’t the AFC have three teams?

COMMITTEE: We’ll see. But first, the NFC teams have been very patient and it’s time for them to have their say.

Green Bay: Yeah, remember us?

COMMITTEE: Yes, yes. But I’m sure there are other teams who need to state their case.

Dallas: AMERICA’S TEAM!!!

COMMITTEE: Okay, who let them out of the straightjacket?

Dallas: AMERICA’S TEAM!!!

Philadelphia: Yes, we know. You’re actually good this year. You have the best offensive line in the league, one of the best running backs in the league, one of the best receivers in the league, and a defense that isn’t as terrible as we expected. But you also just got smoked at home on Thanksgiving.

Seattle: By a team who then got smoked at home this past Sunday.

Philadelphia: It wasn’t our fault! You can’t expect us to play well with Mark Sanchez at quarterback. When Nick Foles comes back—

Seattle: Sorry, but any argument that begins with “When Nick Foles comes back” is not an argument worth listening to. You’ve had a good run, but we’re just the better team. There are two spots available in the NFC. Green Bay has been the best team so far (even if we’re playing like the best team right now), and need I remind you that we beat Green Bay earlier this year? We’ve also beaten Denver, so that’s two wins over playoff teams. Throw in victories over Philadelphia and Arizona, and no one can match our quality wins.

COMMITTEE: Those are all very good points.

Seattle: Plus, you know, we have the best fans in football.

COMMITTEE: Not particularly relevant.

Seattle: Of course not. But we just want to make sure everyone knows we have the best fans in football.

Atlanta: Um, hi. I’ve been waiting for a chance to speak up, and I just want to say that maybe we should get some consideration for this spot. I mean, we’re leading our division. Has to be worth something, doesn’t it?

Seattle: Shut up.

Green Bay: Shut up.

Philadelphia: Shut up.

Denver: Shut up.

Baltimore: Shut up.

Cleveland: (quiet sobbing)

Cincinnati: Shut up.

Indianapolis: Shut up.

New England: Shut up.

COMMITTEE: Shut up. Okay, now that we’ve heard all the reasonable arguments, I think we can come to a fair decision. Green Bay has the best résumé of any team in the NFC, and given Dallas’s recent loss to Philadelphia and Philadelphia’s recent loss to Seattle, I think the Seahawks deserve the final spot.

Seattle: A fair and wise decision.

Green Bay: The best teams are represented.

Arizona: Hold on—

Denver: This is something we can all get behind.

Arizona: Wait just a minute—

New England: I think this is going to be a great playoff.

Arizona: Are you all being serious? I’ve kept quiet because I thought it was obvious, but apparently I was mistaken. I mean, this shouldn’t be that hard. There are four spots available, and there are four teams with 10 wins. Seems to me like there’s an easy solution.

Seattle: Um…in case you’ve forgotten, we beat you three weeks ago.

Arizona: We’ve played basically the same schedule as Seattle, and we have a better record than them. Head to head matchups are great tiebreakers, if teams are actually tied. We’re not tied. We’re ahead of them. I mean, you wouldn’t put the Chiefs in over the Patriots, would you? Or the Lions over the Packers?

Detroit: Well, actually…

COMMITTEE: Nope.

Seattle: The playoff should be about putting the best four teams on the field. No one honestly believes Arizona is better than us right now, do they?

Arizona: The playoff should be about the four most deserving teams. Otherwise, does the regular season even mean anything? There’s no reason we should weigh more recent games more heavily. Everything is an equal part of the schedule.

Seattle: Arizona is too banged up right now to have a shot in the playoff. They’re down to Drew Stanton at quarterback. Their offensive line is in pieces. Larry Fitzgerald is injured. Why would we put in a team that has no chance of winning?

Arizona: We’ve been injured all year, and we’re still at the top of the league. That’s a sign of overall team strength, not a dependence on one or two players.

Seattle: You know what else is a sign of overall team strength? RINGS! In case you’ve forgotten, we won the damned Super Bowl last year.

COMMITTEE: I will remind you that we are only here to debate this season.

Seattle: Of course. But don’t you think it would be strange to not let the defending champions, you know, defend their championship?

Baltimore: I think we need to bring up another issue that no one has touched on yet.

COMMITTEE: Please don’t.

Baltimore: Is there any reason the NFC deserves the same number of teams as the AFC? I mean, it’s clear who the better conference is.

Seattle: What the hell do you mean?

Baltimore: We have a winning record against you.

Arizona: Yeah. 29-28-1. A picture of dominance.

Baltimore: Three quarters of our teams are above .500!

Seattle: And the rest are fighting for the first overall pick!

Baltimore: The best way to measure future performance is to look at point differential, and right now four of the top five teams in point differential are in the AFC.

Arizona: Oh my god. Shut the hell up with this point differential crap. Last I checked, the point was to win games. The only numbers that matter are wins and losses.

Cincinnati: And ties!

Green Bay: I agree with Arizona. If we focus on point differential, we encourage teams to run up the score. That isn’t fair to lesser teams like Tampa Bay and Oakland.

Baltimore: You beat Chicago by 41.

Green Bay: Yeah, but that’s the Bears. Kind of just happens by accident.

New England: It’s true.

Baltimore: I don’t know why you two are taking their side. You have the top two point differentials in the league. Unless you’re afraid to play us…Oh my God. That’s it. You’re afraid to play us.

Green Bay: Afraid? Of a team quarterbacked by Joe Flacco? Please.

COMMITTEE: Enough of this bickering! Okay, let’s just try to simplify this. Denver, New England, and Green Bay are in.

Arizona: And Arizona!

COMMITTEE: Not yet. For the last spot, I think it comes down to Arizona, Seattle, and Baltimore.

Baltimore: Maybe we should just expand to six teams.

COMMITTEE: Sorry, we can’t. There are rules in place.

Seattle: Aren’t the rules just made up and arbitrary anyway?

COMMITTEE: Yeah, but we have to wait another five years before we make up new rules. Just so it looks like we have some idea what we’re doing.

Arizona: Well I don’t see any way to resolve this. Short of looking at records.

Baltimore: Or point differential.

Seattle: Or watching the actual games.

COMMITTEE: STOP! All of you! Just stop. I’m sick of these arguments. There’s no fair way to say one team’s better than the others, so I’m just going to roll a god damn die. If it comes up one or six, Seattle’s in. Two or five, Arizona’s in. Three or four, Baltimore’s in. Is that fair?

Baltimore: No.

Seattle: No.

Arizona: No.

COMMITTEE: Tough shit. It’s a four. Baltimore gets the last spot.

Seattle: Ridiculous!

Arizona: This whole thing is biased against the NFC!

Baltimore: The system is fair and just.

COMMITTEE: Okay, we have a final four. I’m just glad to be done with this.

New England: Wait, shouldn’t we talk about seeding?

Green Bay: I mean, it’s pretty obvious that we should be the top seed.

COMMITTEE: Oh god damn it. You are all impossible. I’m just glad we only had to choose four out of thirty-two. Imagine if we had more teams to choose from, without every team having multiple common opponents. I mean, that would just make the entire exercise pointless and stupid.